Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself. He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother. "How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply. "Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?" "How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother. "You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but the surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock." "By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?" "Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down." 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. 
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea--- Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 
Groucho Marx 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante 

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. 
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 
Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. 
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan 

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "SHUT UP" 
Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. 
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. 
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. 
Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. 
Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. 
Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. 
Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: "If it tastes good spit it out".

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door!

Donkey In The Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NOW --------

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back and bit the @@@! out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your A$$, it always comes back to bite you.

May your neighbors respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And heaven accept you.~An Irish Toast