|
| Title: Daily Laugh | |
| friendsoffortiesfive > General > General Discussion | Go to subcategory： |
| Author | Content |
|
QueenFoxy
|
|
|
Date Posted：08/07/2012 10:53 PMCopy HTML Keeping in touch Since my 16-year-old son recently received a prepaid cell phone as a gift, I’ve asked him to use it to call home if he’s out past his curfew. One Saturday night while waiting up for him, I dozed off in front of the TV. Later I woke to realize that there was no sign of him, and there had been no call. Irate, I punched in his number. When he answered, I demanded, “Where are you, and why haven’t you bothered to call?” “Dad,” he sleepily replied, “I’m upstairs in bed. I’ve been home for an hour.” |
Niceguy2
|
#26 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/02/2012 2:03 AMCopy HTML LOL, the bricks are kind of red, gray, and beige mixed. I should know... I laid them! :-) |
|
Niceguy2
|
#27 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/02/2012 2:05 AMCopy HTML LOL, Ralph. I think that would probably be Skoal. The poor blonde...
|
|
Niceguy2
|
#28 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/02/2012 5:37 AMCopy HTML Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."
"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response." That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response. Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?" He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?" "Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!" |
|
kinkajou
|
#29 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/02/2012 6:22 PMCopy HTML A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry?" |
|
Niceguy2
|
#30 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/03/2012 12:32 AMCopy HTML LOL, KJ!
Q: What do you get when you cross a French emperor with a stick of dynamite and the kitchen floor? A: Linoleum Blownapart. |
|
ravch641943
|
#31 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/04/2012 7:13 PMCopy HTML LOL,some more good ones.
Little Johnny returns ---------------------- Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" ================================== Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." |
|
Niceguy2
|
#32 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/04/2012 9:53 PMCopy HTML
|
|
QueenFoxy
|
#33 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/05/2012 7:47 PMCopy HTML Out of the mouths of babes Recently, a very near and dear friend of mine related this story about a flight she had this past spring. That night on a plane back home from Dallas to Tyler, I was sitting with a friend I've known for many years, talking about church and a whole lot of political things. Being a US Congressman, Louie visits a lot of different churches in the area throughout the year and he told me of what happened in a local church on this past Easter that made me roll with laughter, to the point of tears. The pastor of this Baptist church had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?" One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said "Please tell us what the resurrection is". The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!" It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that little boy's voice won't be. |
|
Niceguy2
|
#34 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/05/2012 10:39 PMCopy HTML LOL, too funny!
Does anyone remember the Art Linkletter show? He used to talk to kids and get funny answers. |
|
kinkajou
|
#35 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/06/2012 1:27 AMCopy HTML
LOL Foxy. Art Linkletter? Before my time (LOL). Better keep an eye on your cat Joe. |
|
kinkajou
|
#36 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/06/2012 4:45 AMCopy HTML The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still narrow." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." |
|
USMmom
|
#37 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/06/2012 12:37 PMCopy HTML 
|
|
QueenFoxy
|
#38 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/17/2012 4:20 PMCopy HTML Actual Label InstructionsIn case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. 8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. 9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 11. On a bag of Frito's - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special?!?) 12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?) 13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!) 14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) 15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?) 16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what?...use in outer space?) 17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.) 18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?) 19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.) 20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?) 21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) 22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. ( OK lets eat it frozen!!!) 23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. 24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY. 25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.(Kids no more driving) 26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!) |
|
Niceguy2
|
#39 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/17/2012 8:10 PMCopy HTML
|
|
QueenFoxy
|
#40 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/18/2012 1:42 AMCopy HTML
|
|
ravch641943
|
#41 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/18/2012 1:25 PMCopy HTML lol
I bet that blanket wouldn't be too much protection. |
|
ravch641943
|
#42 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/18/2012 8:55 PMCopy HTML A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?" "It's like this — my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression." ------------------------------------------------ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." ------------------------------------------------- [ Sounds Like Little Johnny to me,,] The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said... "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock." |
|
Niceguy2
|
#43 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/18/2012 9:27 PMCopy HTML  |
|
QueenFoxy
|
#44 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/19/2012 3:44 PMCopy HTML [IMG]http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k268/QueenFoxy_2006/Cartoons/WheelsOfLife.gif[/IMG] |
|
kinkajou
|
#45 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/21/2012 3:30 AMCopy HTML When you cross a tapeworm and a porcupine, you get about 10 feet of barbed wire.
What do you call a raincoat-clad parrot? Polly Unsaturated. What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tater Tots. |
|
kinkajou
|
#46 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/21/2012 3:42 AMCopy HTML An Iowa farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbour's and knocked on the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" "No sir, he isn't, he went to town." "Well, is your Mother here?" "No sir, she went to town with Dad." "How about your brother Howard? Is he here?" "No sir, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzie pregnant." The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." |
|
ravch641943
|
#47 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/21/2012 1:44 PMCopy HTML LOL
I bet old Howard would donate his services. |
|
ravch641943
|
#48 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/21/2012 1:49 PMCopy HTML Little Johnny boarded the bus and sat down next to a man.
He noticed that the man had a strange kind of collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?" The man smiled kindly and replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father." Little Johnny thought for a second then said, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?" The priest thought for a moment then said, "I am the father of many." Little Johnny quickly said, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But, he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?" The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father of hundreds and hundreds of people." Little Johnny sat quietly for a while. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards." |
|
Niceguy2
|
#49 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/22/2012 12:49 AMCopy HTML LOL! Too funny.
|
|
QueenFoxy
|
#50 |
|
Re：Daily Laugh Date Posted：09/23/2012 1:57 AMCopy HTML LOL!! Love that one, Ralph.
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"; She said "It's President's Day!" She is a smart kid. I asked "What does President's Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln .... etc. She replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Sh*t." You know, It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose! |
